It's Not So Merry Afterall......

Merry Christmas everyone. This year there's no celebration at my house. No pressies this year. =( No getting drunk. No laughters around the house. Instead, just close to 1am, I cried. Didn't really cry cry, but I shed some tears.

Had a chat with one of my ex (my friends would probably start asking, which one?) and we started reminiscing about the past. Our past. I told him that Huix asked me how many serious bfs I actually have (minus those play play de from the total) and I told her less than 10. In my memory, my serious bf starts from Alvin (duno die where le. Think he appear infront of me I also can't remember, that's like 12 years ago leh) and ends with the most recent, Weifeng. Scary thing is, when this ex, let's name him L (after Light!! err..nvm, disgress le), asked how many bf I had after him, I was able to name Eggie and Kevin...but suddenly, I forgot Weifeng's name. And to think that Weifeng and L used to be schoolmates. Ya..apparently I've a thing for guys that come out from that sch and that batch, cause my 3rd bf was frm that school too..and so happens that all 3 know each other!! WOW! Hahahahaha. Singapore is small lah ok.

Anyway, he started shedding tears. He's not those type to cry. Although we dated for a very, very short time (6mths), I was rather serious with him. He made me feel like a protected woman, that I could depend on him...NOT. During our relationship, we never quarreled. The only time we quarreled ended up in a breakup. Cause he was in the army, and he left me waiting for him the whole day on Sat, just to tell me at 8pm that he's not meeting me at all!! KNN. LoL. But shortly we broke up, I hooked up with Eggie. And L wanted me back...after a month of hiatus. I got back with L, not telling either bf that I'm attached. I just wanted to get back at L for treating me that way. He wouldn't even buy me flowers on Vday lor!! But he did gave me a pair of earrings with diamonds on it (which sadly, I duno where is it now). Know something? Good memories are more than bad memories. He did infact, leave a very deep impact on my life. He was the first bf that I wanted to settle down and get married to. He was the first one that we were jokingly discussing about marriage. He was ready to settle down. =)

In the end we broke up, cause I was too uncareful. He has too many friends that had seen me before. His friend caught me with another guy. Can't hide much cause that guy was holding my waist. L called..and asked to meet up. Initially, I really broke up with Eggie to be with L. Cause I am in love with L. There's a kind of stability that I liked. He's protective, he made me feel like I needed protecting..and best thing was, his mom loved me. But I don't know why, I chose Eggie instead. And for 3 years, I was with Eggie, and L remained single.

By the time I broke up with Eggie, L was attached. But I don't know what is it with us. We just had this mutual attraction I guess. We met up, and he hugged me. But I allowed it. It was until the next day we went out, that I remembered he was attached. He told me he's willing to break up with his gf to be with me, but it wasn't fair for her. Furthermore, I was halfway into a r/s with Kevin. =P

Me and Kevin didn't last long either, and that breakup caused me to lose alot of weight. I was suicidal. Very suicidal. My dad had to lock my window grills and hide the knives. It was that scary. I don't know how L got to know abt it, but my parents brought me to KL and L called me. He knew I was sad, and he wanted to ride out to KL to find me. He said he would even buy me my favourite lilies. I don't want to lose a friend (scared he accident), so I said no. We met up when I returned from overseas..did I mention that he ROM-ed with his gf? Before me and Kevin broke up that is. He was already legally married in the eyes of law. I lagi don't want to be the 3rd party to a marriage, but then I got drunk. We kissed. SHIT. It was just a mistake. But I did push him away when my head cleared (quite fast actually). I ignored him for a very long time.

Today..I cried cause he gave me a dream, and he dashed it. And he was the first person to create this dream. And fate just seemed to be playing with us. How can he be there for me now, when he has a kid and a wife? I don't love him now, just felt sad about the past. He regrets his actions back then, but nevertheless, it's too late. And I'm no longer the 18 year old girl who still love him. He's changed. I've changed too. It's just so sad..and it's even sadder to find out the only man who's still willing to accept me for who I am, and is willing to cry for me, is not available. I can never have the guy who will love me more than I can love him. While web-caming with him just now, he was able to open up emotions that are long forgotten...long lost. It sucked. Life kinda sucked..don't you think? Sigh.

Whatever it it, it's all in the past. I requested to be just friends. I can't love him now. And he can't love me too. =)

Merry Christmas all.