03 July 2006, Monday (It proved to be very blue)

Blue Monday

Just ended the conversation with Feng and it made me realised today I started with a dull blue day and it ended with lifeless blue. I told him something which he must be feeling rather hurt and sad right now. I really don't know how to explain it to him. I mean, how do you go around telling him that although you love him, the relationship is still new and that it's normal for me to miss my ex? If he were to tell me that I'll get jealous and hurt and angry all at the same time. I guess it's the same for him now. I'm sorry. Feeling darn drowsy now, just ate medicine. Ok digress le, get back to the topic.
I mean I was about to share the rest of my life with my ex..someone whom have common interests with me. Yes, even more common interests than with Feng. We're both love ice skating, we have so many darn common friends, we used to study the same course..for god's sake! We know each other for 4 years before getting together! And we're both Aries. We both love driving..love going for spins in the middle of the night. I mean..you can't expect me to forget all these in 4 mths do you? I was hurt so deeply. Yah Kevin's a sucky boyfriend as compared to Feng, but then it's the same playfulness inside Kevin and me that made me miss him. I missed going out in the middle of the night, gossiping about our friends, talking about life, making jokes about our past..I guess what I missed most is someone that will be proud of me and take interest in whatever I'm saying. I mean..for example I can tell Kevin my job scope, he'll be interested in knowing what I'm doing and he'll make me feel as though..don't know how to say, like kinda boost my ego, making me feel that for once in my lifetime I'm actually doing something great and useful. On the otherhand, if I were to tell Feng, he'll just tell me that he's doing the same as well and he'll tend to tell me what to expect behind. I know it's better, but let me feel proud of myself. I've been degrading myself for so long. I need someone to boost my ego. I've a very big ego..Anderson once told me that I've an ego as big as, if not, bigger than a man. I need someone to boost my ego. As a friend I can laugh at the jokes, saying how useless I am or whatever.
Like that time, J. Han asked me if I'd quit my job, when I was just 2-3 weeks into my job, cause got people say I like to job-hop and couldn't stay in a job for long. I wasn't hurt at all. I told him not, and I oculd still joke with him. But if it were to be my parents or someone I cared about alot asking me this, I'll be hurt. I'd get angry. It's like you're someone close to me and is this how you see me? You should know better than that! It's the same case. Whenever I tell Kevin things, he'll listen, he'll ask and make me look intelligent while he be the stupid one. With Feng, I feel constantly being the one learning and him teaching. I want to teach too! Make me feel useful! Damn. It's been a long time since I have a big cry.
With kevin, I'm constantly the mother, having to take care of him, caring for him and sayanging him. I've to constantly nag at him. I'm so tired of being a grownup. That is not me! Everyone knows the real XY is childish. I wana be a kid! I wana whine when I want to. I wana pout when I don't get my way. I wanaget praised for the things I do correctly. I wana be sayanged. I've been a grownup for 1yr +, it's very tiring for me. With Feng, I feel a need to be grownup just to be with him. He's constantly reminding me that I'm 24. he told me he don't like girls who whine. Very xing ku you know? I just wana be the bubbly me, umping around and laughing and being kiddish. I want to wear whatever clothes I want and not be criticised as being aunty. It hurts. It really hurts. Kevin never once said that to me before. It's always "You look gorgeous", "You look pretty" and lots more, even when I'm not dressed nicely. He made me feel good about myself. In a way I was happy.
Not saying Feng isn't nice to me at all. He's very nice! He comes over to take care of me and he's genuine. He takes my bag for me and told me the only thing I can hold on to is his arm. He teaches me alot of things. He's constantly remembering the things I've said, the things I like, sometimes he makes me feel as if I'm a guy and he's a girl. You know? He's very xi xing, until make me look very chu xing. He will for no reason ask me what his favourite food is, and seriously up till now I only know his comfort food is luncheon meat and he loves the way his mom cooks the duck. He'll ask me to help him fill in application form and I forgot his IC number, and he'll volunteer to help me complete my application form for anything and remembers every single detail, right from my IC number to my postal code. How many of you guys out there actually remembers your girlfriend's postal code? I can't even remember his. Feng is a very nice guy. He really takes good care of me, but I'm not him you see. I can't be like him. I wana depend on a guy sometimes to help me pull my chair, to drop me a compliment or two without me hinting for it. I need someone to boost my ego.
Darn I'm confused. I know I don't love Kevin anymore. it's just that sometimes when Feng does something, I would tend to compare the both of them. I would think to myself, Kevin wouldn't do this...he knows I won't like it, kevin wuold do it this way or that. I know I should have a talk with Feng, but then it's very difficult especially on such a sensitive issue. I know I love Feng, but he makes me feel as though I need him more than he needs me, that I love him more than he loves me. Love..a word that cannot be said frequently, but then I would want to hear it every now and then. I want to hear him say without me prompting him. I want action, but words do help every now and then. Sigh. Getting more and more drowsy. I'm tired..need to rest..don't know what I want anymore. Let life pass one day by one day by one day.............