I had enough. Some of my friends don't know, some of whom are mutual friends also don't know, but me and Feng had broken up again...for the last time. Actually, broken up for almost 2 weeks le, 12 days to be exact. I'm pretty proud of myself this time. I've cried, tried doing silly stuffs, begged and threatened. But I was able to make my mind in 12 days. Enough is enough.
Last Tues, 4 days after we broke up, I was in such a drastic state that I left school halfway..meaning halfway through my 2hr lecture, I left school to go home and cry my heart out. I travelled 1hr to school just to attend that 1hr of class. And I couldn't stop crying. Was crying on the way to school, was crying during class and was crying on way back. I even called him (cause I know he's not working) and I cried alot. Thursday, I called again and asked him to think carefully. His answer is still no. No point he said.
My last call to him was Tuesday, cause I was staying at home since my lower abs was giving me problems. But his nonchalent reply (even when I was crying in pain) made me hurt more. He don't even care. I don't know if this is his way of drawing the line or just wanting me to give up. Whatever it was, it really did helped to heal my heart a little.
But what I saw today was the ultimum. It made me think enough is enough. I happened to login friendster today and I saw that he actually went into friendster (at 7am and 11am) to change his profile to single, delete all of our and my pics from his album and to add a girl. For someone who hadn't used friendster for the past 6 months and for him to actually log on to do this..I guess..really no point. Furthermore, at 7am? He's working leh. At that time leh. Initially saw his profile, I felt my heart ripped open again. Called Huiling to complain and by 10min, I was fuming mad. WHAT THE FUCK!!
Need to go to this extent or not? Anyway, I thought I had enough. Yes I'll still miss him and all. But the crying gotta stop. The mourning gotta stop. It's been a turmoil for me for the past 12 days. Lost 4KG within the first week. I'll move on slowly and heal slowly. But for now..no more crying. If there's any tears left, it's of anger and not hurt.
I know many of our mutual friends are trying to get us back together. But I know deep inside every single of your minds you're glad we finally ended cause, like what you guys said, it's better this way. What you guys see is the surface only. I thank you guys for your help and everything. But let's just leave things just the way it is now. If it's meant to be, we will be together again.
I can't deny the fact that I still love him. I can't deny the fact that I think of him very often. But no more crying when I pass his house. No more sadness whenever I think of the things we did or can do together. I lagi cannot deny the fact that I wana get back with him. But then...sigh...
Just now met up with Andre and my earring dropped. It was the earring he bought me. I put it on my hp and when I got up, I forgot about it and it dropped. After bathing, I felt for my ear and remembered that I dropped the earring. I rushed downstairs to search for it. Heng I found it. He still means alot to me. Really he does. But like what Evan said..break le so what? Should heck care and be happy. I know I can be happy..one day. Just not now. I know I would be happier if I'm with him..but then.....
Anyway, enough is enough. No more calling him. No more sms-ing him. No more crying. No more tormenting myself. Weekends lonely? Pak game liao lor. If you guys free, can jio me go out le. Oh yah..I went back to smoking. =)
If you find yourself really happier now, so be it. Like what I said, I wanted you to be my last bf. I want us to build a future tomorrow. I wana share your ups and downs and burdens. I can be who you want me to be. And I had proved it. If one day you find that there's a possibility, don't hesitate to give us another try. Maybe by then, we can really start anew and erase the past. I love you.