Wednesday, June 20, 2007

20 June 2007, Wednesday

Damn tired and confused

Have you ever feel so lost at one point of your relationship and wondered if you're in the wrong? Have you really got so lost that you just want to call one of your friends who knows you the best and isn't sleeping at 1+am? Well I did. I message Kevin. I asked if I was a demanding gf. Stupid Kevin didn't reply me. He asked if I wanted to come out for a smoke instead at my block since he's near my neighbourhood. Or something. I told him it's ok. Mom and dad will kill me if I were to go out at 2:30am in the morning when I've to work the next day.

He did call me when he's like 5min away from my block. We had a long chat. Damn long chat. And yes, he did reply my first question. That I'm rather demanding as a gf. Sad lehz! But then he did try to lessen the hurt by saying it's because I love this person so much, therefore I have an expectation. So when the person doesn't meet with this expectation, I will feel hurt and displeased. I commented that we have these expectations because we are able to do it and hoped that the other party will be able to do likewise back. Like receiving a message from your partner saying that he or she loves you, hoped you will have a nice day. Miss you or some other similar sms-es. It will really really brighten up the day de lor! Not sms-es like 'Dear I'm meeting who and who', or 'I'm going this place that place with who and who, will be back late' or even 'I'm home'. Yes I need to know where you are, at least I'll be at ease more. It's to put my mind at rest, knowing you are with the right company or put me in jitters knowing you're with some idiots. But is a relationship's communication only based on these sms? Aren't there times when you feel that you missed someone, and not knowing if the person is asleep or busy or whatever, and you don't want to disturb the person, you just send a short sms like 'Darling I missed you', or 'Dear wish you could lie here in my arms tonight instead of my bolster', or even something like 'I was out with my friends just now and I saw a place that I would like to take you to, just the two of us'. Piangz. Char bors see already all melt right? BUT THESE ARE NOT THE SMS I RECEIVE FROM MY BF. =(

Kevin told me I might be bored with the relationship, and warned me not to try anything funny, no matter how tempting it is to see the other party get upset or get myself frightened of trying to cover myself up. Don't worry lah, you know me. I'm not that sort. It's great to have you back as friend. It's a wonder you know, that during the 1.5hrs we talked, there wasn't so much as a pause of silence or us feeling awkward till we just want to hang up on each other. We started off talking about my relationship, then his relationship, then we started bitching about our friends and finally talked about the old days when we were together. Don't get mistaken. All these are just memories. They will accompany me till as long as my memory doesn't fail me. Cause these are the happy memories. These memories might be erased or replaced with newer happy memories with whoever makes me happy. But since they are still there......well.... =X

I still love Feng. I do. It's just that we're not making the effort. Kevin told me that in the initial stage where he and Geraldine got together, Geraldine actually made comments like why I understand Kevin more than she does, even after we broke up? My dear girl, me and Kevin went back a long time ago. Way damn long. Come to think of it, we've known each other for, what, 6 - 7 years le. We were friends. We know each other BEFORE we get together. But Kevin's reply to her was because both of us made an effot to understand each other. Do you guys know that when I'm angry or damn pissed off, I'll grind my teeth? Even I don't know that. I asked Feng once what is my reaction when I'm angry. He told me that I'll open my eyes big and stare as if I'm trying to kill the person with my stare. Well, Kevin was the one who told me I grind my teeth long ago when we were quarreling and I told him nothing was wrong. He shocked me by saying that I'm angry cause I'm grinding my teeth again. Man. Maybe I really did make the effort to know Kevin. And maybe he did the same. Both of us knows what each other needs, say maybe a hug or a kiss after a sucky day. Right things to say at the right time so the other party won't get mad.

Like Wenjie says, to keep a relationship going, both parties will have to make alot of effort. Yihui told me, boh chup will feel better. But how long can anyone stay boh chup? One day sure burst also de. By that time worse right? Cause all the feelings pent up inside, and suddenly burst, the aftermath will be terrible + horrible. Feng told me that he's like a stretched rubberband. Me? I'm a snapped rubberband. To this he replied saying I'm not really stretchable. *Faint* You know cannot stretch still wana stretch. Like contradicting lor. ARGH!! I'm so confused. I know I love Feng, and that I want to be with him but what can be done so both of us will be happy and lessen our quarrels?!?! HELP LAH!! DAO KA QIU lehz! Piangz..I cannot always be the one taking effort or you taking the effort to make this work. We need to BOTH make the effort de lehz! Piangz eh...wana cry liao lahz...fuck.

Can you keep a secret?

There are times when people tells you a secret. Can you keep it? Do you actually have the urge to tell someone else? Even if the secret is yours, and it started with you, do you have the feeling that you HAVE to tell someone? Cause your heart is actually aching for you to do so? It's tough keeping a secret. Especially your own. I have friends who confide in me, and even though they know that sometimes, SOMETIMES only lah, that I'll blurt out a little secret now and then, they know they can count on me. Those major secrets I will keep it, those minor ones...piangz who bothers? Human tends to be forgetful. They forget something minor after a few days, or worse, a few hours. Do you remember when was the last time you wore an underwear with holes in them, out? Or when was the last time you had a scadalous affair? With whom and what did you guys do?

My psychology lecturer once told us, our brain is like a hard drive in the comp. We remember things. When there is no space to put them, newer memories replace the old ones. Like new data replacing the old data. That is also the reason why we can't remember sucking on our mother's nipples for milk, or the view from the sarong, or even learning to crawl and walk and talk. Wait...I'm abit like not on the topic. You get the idea lah hor.

Anyway, I'm ok with other people keeping secrets from me. As long as I don't find out. Like finding out that Kevin went out with my number one enemy behind my back, piangz. Felt as if the trust wasn't there le. Or that someone married someone, without inviting me and I got to know about it. You will feel betrayed de lor. Recently, I felt that there are things going on, but I didn't know about it. There's a secret flying around, it's flying above me to let me know its existance, but not low enough to let me know what it is. That feeling sucks lor. Then I'm always the curious one, always trying to dig up dig up. ARGH!! Can these people just stop hiding things from me? Want to find excuse also make it more valid without loopholes lah. Kaoz. Whatever lah. Pissed off. Me go do my work le. Damn tired today. Feels a headache coming. *Shrugs* Life sucks.

No comments: