Sunday, August 31, 2008

I Almost Committed Suicide

You know..they always say to find a friend to talk to. But a word of advice from me: choose the friends carefully. They can either help you or make you feel worse. I had a couple that made me feel worse. And stress from school + Feng's rejections made me almost killed myself.

A few days after we broke up, I called a long time friend. Let's call him Mr A. Initially he told me to take care of myself, to cry and give myself time to heal. Like all friends will say lah. But apparently I guess it's my fault for looking OK. So he thought it was OK. Most of my guy friends like to suan me..this includes Mr A. Maybe because we haven't keep in contact constantly for the past 2 years, so he presumed I am still the same me. And what he suan-ed me made things worse.

I made jokes saying that even he don't want me. And to this he replied," Of course lah! Me ish got value one (saying I no value lor? Saying I'm not fit enough to be with him lor?) and my value is increasing ok?" I got pissed..and I asked him what he meant by this. He then further to add on that I also have value..bla bla bla. This is just the appetiser.

The 2nd week of our breakup I had started school. So I had to be alright. In shcool at least. When I'm sad, I don't eat. So I told Mr A that I had not eaten anything since Saturday night. Maybe he thought I was a strong girl. So he made jokes about me not eating won't help me to slim down.

When the night is dark and I'm all alone..I started thinking of what he said. Ya, I'm fat and ugly and has no value. Nobody wants me anymore..which includes Feng. So I started getting depressed even though I looked ok. I guess the ultimum was a couple of days ago when we met up. He told me to pick him up at his workplace and I stupidly agreed. I let myself be manipulated by him...again. Everytime he wants he gets. WTF is wrong with me. I left home and told him I'll be there in 10min. I barely pass the Macs near my house when he called. He said I was taking far too long, bla bla bla. HELLO!! I'M NOT OBLIGED TO DO ALL THESE FOR YOU. THIS IS OUT OF GOODWILL. STOP WHINING. When I got there, I took a longer route back to pick up our friend. SO WHAT? You don't like it don't ask me to be your ahmad. And then all the way he was commenting that I drive recklessly. Who are you to judge me? You drive worse than me. Apparently my friends who had sat in your car and my car gave me comments that I'm a better driver than you cause I'm safer. PTUI.

I'm so damn pissed lor. NEVERMIND. We had to go his house and get something..and forgot what we were talking about but he called me stupid. I HATE PEOPLE CALLING ME STUPID CAUSE I KNOW I AM NOT. You are downright insulting me. And that night Feng told me that his decision is final. And I've another friend, Mr B, he asked me why everytime he sees me after a few years, I changed bf. Why can't I just settle down instead of keep changing bf like change clothes. *Ouch* That hurts. Added on lor.

So on Friday..I called Feng in the morning when I woke up. And I was crying and all. I didn't know what I was doing anymore. I remembered I had valium I dug it out. The recommended dosage was 5mg. Let's just say I took more than that. Think Feng was almost going crazy also. Heng I've a hard life..I didn't die. But I woke up with an ultra big headache, was feeling weak and nausea. My mom saw me in this state and cried while hugging me. All I could think was..I'm stupid, fat and ugly and has no value. And nobody wants me anymore. My driving sucks and I sucks. What's there to live for since I'm such a loser?

Thank God Sue called me. She said something simple yet magical. "If you want to do anything silly, remember to call me first ok? I'll be right over." So on Sat, I called Feng for the last time. He told me to give him an hour cause he need to do something..and I guess the pressure was just too much. I sms-ed him that I'm sorry but I can't take rejections and can't wait anymore. I was almost determined to just jump off from my room. I was that depressed. I was about to call Sue already and the remaining valium were near me. I was intending to just finish up everything. But Feng called and had a talk with me. We made up and I didn't have to call Sue.

I told this to Huiling yesterday and she freaked out. She scolded me and everything and asked me not to hang around with Mr A so much when I'm down. OK girl..I promised you. I will choose the people to confide in properly next time I'm down.

Mr A, I guess after reading this you should know who you are. Actually I was pretty pissed with you the last time we played mj. You were damn insulting towards me. When Feng sarcarstically said that you guys are my friends, I told him Mr Mah and Mr Lim isn't like this. Only you. Don't go presuming you know me well. You had no idea how much I'd changed. I'm the one who said I would stop smoking and I did. And you? You're the one who can't. You're an empty vessel..cause you make too much noise. Just because I kept quiet doesn't mean I'm ok with your insults. You cause me hurt 3 yrs ago. If you can't be a proper friend, I can do without you for another 3 years or more. GET IT CLEAR. FUCK YOU. No..I don't want to fuck you at all. You're not worth my 15min.


YongWei said...

chill chill....I had thought of suicide many times before...

the first time i thought of suicide was back in primary 2, back then i already knew that jumping off a building will not make me die instantly, i will still be alive in pain for the next 10mins to 30mins before i die due to blood loss.

so i thought of MRT suicide, yes i've tried it, almost. back a year or so.

then i realised complications always simply come and passes by

everyone has them some times.

chill chill

Anonymous said...

Hey, those so-called friends are not even acting like friends! You deserve better friends than them! Don't give up on life and people, take care. :)
- Visitor

Xueyu said...

yongwei: I live on the 10th floor..shd be able to die if land on head..LoL. Anyway heng we're still alive right?

anonymous: Mr B sms-ed me to apologize when he read this..but he didn't do as much damage as compared to Mr A. Mr A just called me a lazy bum

hq said...

no man is worth killing yourself over. it sounds cliche but time heals the worst of wounds. walking away is the best thing you can do for yourself now. make the decision to get out the house, spend time with your (real) friends and go for long runs. it's really not worth killing yourself over somebody who doesn't value you. you deserve somebody who does.

Aaron said...

I'm glad that that chapter is closed at least... guess you know who are your closer friends now.

And i'm truly glad you're still alive... because staying alive is much harder challenge then being dead. And its also so that much more rewarding.

Xueyu said...

hw: We're ok nw and back together for the time being. Don't know why it hurts so much though.. =) Thanks for concern

aaron: Ya..i agree. Choosing death is the easy way out and i was out of chose the easy one

MLMaestro said...

Don't worry yeah...I have 'friends' like these too. She is always putting guys down and rarely encourage me, even when I am feeling down. Sometimes I wonder why I still go out with her.

Anyway, don't do silly things...there will be people who support you.

Forbidden Tales said...

never even die for somebody who is not worth it. there's somebody for you. You will find your happiness, trust me