Tuesday, November 11, 2008

I'm Not Strong At All

Did I give the wrong impression? Most friends aren't that concerned over my breakup this time as compared to my breakup with Kevin. Do I really have to starve myself and get myself thin, go drinking and smoking everyday and cry everyday to show that I'm not ok? Or is everyone thinking that I could handle this? Or that they're bored with the quarrels and breakups I have with Feng? Or that they're secretly happy that Feng broke up with me cause I'm just such a sucky gf? Or they are just plain busy?

Recently many people around me are breaking up as well. I know of 4 other friends (2 females and 2 males) that had broken up. Obviously, the 2 males got right up very fast. They're now healing very well..or maybe they're just hiding the fact that they're sad? As for the other 2 females..well, they're tending to their wounds now. Maybe my friends have the same thinking as me? Aiyah..she got so many friends, definitely some of them will be with her. Sigh. Whatever it is, I guess the only person that knows how I really feel is Huiling. Cause everyday in class when I login to MSN, I'll tell her how I felt. Today I called her during my break in between lecture..she said something that hit the nail in the head. She said that she knows I'm hurting..and that just because I don't show it doesn't mean I'm not. And that I don't like to show my weaker side to people. I almost cried when I heard this. But I had told myself that I will not cry..so I tarik my tears and swallow it in. Thanks pal.

I know I was a sucky girlfriend. I know I deserved the breakup. But come on. I deserve some sympathy as well. Mom said that since I'd so many bfs and been through so many breakups, I should be used to it. -_-" There's no such thing as used to it..cause as I grow older and get into a new relationship, the more love I put in. Therefore with each breakup, my heart hurts more. Jayven had been "scolding" (he claims that he's not scolding me..O..K...whatever. =P) these few days and told me to move on. I'm really trying. But recently I'm having headaches from forcing myself not to think about him. Cause recently I'm dreaming of him every night and he's the first thing on my mind every morning when I wake up to hit that snooze button on my cell. Piangz..when I snooze..he kept running through my mind. Fuck...it's toturing lor.

I know I can pick myself up. No one can help me with that except myself. But friends, don't assume that I'm ok just because I look OK. Just because I don't show doesn't mean I'm really ok. Because I made a promise to myself not to cry anymore dosen't mean my heart isn't aching and my head isn't hurting. I need to get out more often. Eugene and me agreed that both of us need life. Seriously..it gets kind of lonely at night and during weekends.....shit...I need a life...I need to study. Exams coming...FUCK!!!!! *Slaps self* I need time to heal...and yes, I still love him. Heart aches when I realised he login to his facebook to add friends..my heart still pounds faster whenever I pass by his house. I'm like a love sick puppy and it sucks. I suck. Life sucks.

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